My shattered mum dream

When I was a little girl I used to put my pillow under my sweater, hang a handbag on my arm and dream of becoming a mum. Some years later I was determined that my children would get everything that I had missed in childhood, closeness, security and stability. And I wanted at least 3 children, a husband, a big house with a large garden where the kids could run around freely while I hear the children laughter against the cloudless sky a hot summer day.

Liseliten

But one day my mum dream was shattered. After several investigations, no menstruation and a long-lasting pain finally the answer came. “You are born without a uterus, we have never seen this before” I was 17, soon to be 18, and in an instant my future was changed forever. Never would I get the opportunity to feel a new life kick inside my stomach, never would I experience love at first sight, never experience a little bundle, my bundle, that would love me and call me Mum. Never be able to hold my baby gently and tenderly in my arms, look it in the eyes and feel that rush of maternal joy and endless love.

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I was devastated, confused and felt incredibly lonely. I was treated as an exceptional case and more or less as a guinea pig at the hospital . I just wanted to go home, have a rest and digest the bad news ..

Its even harder to grieve when you constantly get “comforting” words like “You can always adopt” “There are so many children out there who needs a home” “You’re atleast lucky not having your periode”. They ment it well, it is natural for people to try comfort and be optimistic. It just wasn’t what I needed at that time.

In my head I was thinking “shut up” you know nothing about my feelings. Why are all the orphans my responsibility all of a sudden? How do you think it feels for me to see children being born into this world then their parents just give a damn about the child? Some people get pregnant and have children as it was the easiest thing to do, and then do not care for the child afterwards. It makes me angry! Really angry. And I’m not f*** lucky not having my periode, I should have given everything to menstruate and have the opportunity to birth my own children, the opportunity to feel like any other woman and be a mum the natural way. Having a mini me.

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This should have been me

Nor is it easy to “just” adopt. There are many things that must be in order before you even get approved for adoption, and when approved there are many years of waiting, and it costs in addition quite a lot of money. Adoption is a great thing, and I’m glad that one can adopt, but it is not for everyone. If you have a disease history or a history of depression, etc. in the past so it is enough for not being approved for adoption. One must be married for so many years and the list goes on. It is not “just” to adopt.

I later thought that perhaps I was luckier than many others, finding out that I could not have children at such a young age. I was young and had the opportunity to plan my life ahead based on what I knew. I thought it might be worse to be an adult, trying to have children and then find out you can never be pregnant.

On the other hand, I sometimes think that I would not have known, that I would liked to have experienced the process of trying, waiting, hope and rejoice as any other women. I was deprived of that to.

I often sit and look down at my stomach inflated by too much dinner , rubbing my belly while daydreaming of how it would be like having a little life growing inside of me. I call it  “foodbaby” it’s the closest I will ever get having a pregnant belly …

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My food baby

You who are so lucky to be able to have your own child, you who are so lucky and have experienced the joy of being a mum, do you know how lucky you are? Did you know that thousands of girls around the world envy you because you gave birth? Do you know that thousands of girls wish they were you, a mum ..?

You are incredibly lucky.

For me it’s a dream that will never come true.

My mum dream was shattered.

 

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#Compassion for Infertile women #1000speak

  • I extend my deep compassion for you. We have had a long journey of infertility. We started trying to have children when I was 28 and went through 9 cycles of IVF in the end. We are very lucky to have adopted two beautiful children, although it was a long, painful and expensive process also. I lost a baby through an ectopic pregnancy when I was 30 and have never been pregnant since. Even now at 46, the feelings of infertility are still there, even though I am lucky to be a mother and even though I feel guilty at times for still feeling sad over my infertility. Infertility is a special kind of sorrow because the sadness never really goes away.

    • Yes that is so true, and a very comon feeling for Infertile woman. The sadness never really goes away even when having a baby or a child through surrogacy,adoption or fostering. Im happy you have adopted two beautiful children, and im so sorry for your loss when pregnant.. Thank you for sharing your story and for the compassion <3 Hugs

  • Aditi Kaushiva

    Hugs dear friend. It takes courage to share this story, to relive the pain…my prayers n wishes with all such mums…hope they find some peace! Lv

    • Thanks for your kind words, means a lot <3

  • Dani De Luca

    Such a brave and transparent post, Lise. While I was born with a uterus, I have been unable to birth a child (we have lost 3 to miscarriage). I do not pretend to know your hurt, but I do know the depths of deception we both have likely felt.

    I will keep you in thought and prayer. And if we do ever have a child, I will hold her close. I will.

    With heart,
    Dani

    • Im so sorry for your loss, I can only imagine how hard it must be to miscarriage 🙁 I will keep you in my prayers to Dani and I hope from my heart you will be a mum one day <3

  • ilirianwanderer

    None of the words I pour out to you will make a difference.

    Wish I could just give you a huge hug instead…

    Take care my friend.

    Stay strong. Stay happy.

    Look for silver linings no matter how vague they may seem.

    I respect your courage in sharing your story.

    I will never again complain when I have my monthly period…

    Thank you for pointing out to me something that I take for granted every single day….

    Thank you.

    Wishing you well always….

    • <3 And Than you for understanding and for taking the time, warms my heart, thank you 🙂

  • Thanks for sharing your experience in such a raw, honest way. It helps me to really have compassion for what you and others have gone through/are going through. Big hug to you <3

    • That makes my heart very happy 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to read, hug back to you 🙂 <3

  • Sarah

    My heart broke for you reading your story. My daughter too as MRKH and has received the same sort of careless comments. When someone makes a stupid comment to her or in front of her, it takes everything in me not to attack them. I hope that she will find the strength that you have. You are a beautiful warrior!

    • Thank you Sarah for your kind words, and I can imagine as a mum it must be hard standing on the sideline and not attack them ! But im glad your daughter has a super mom like you 🙂 <3

  • I am so sorry. I can’t even begin to understand the depth of that pain. You are a strong, courageous voice for others like yourself. It’s true, people will offer up adoption as an equitable choice not realizing that they are in fact belittling the depth of your loss. I send you hugs, love, and light.

    • Thank you Amanda for your compassion and understanding <3 <3

  • I truly am very sorry. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you must feel.

    • Thank you for reading and your compassion Roshni <3

  • If I can find your twitter handle I am going to tweet you an open letter I wrote. It has a different perspective than yours but still relevant. There’s really no words. But just compassion. ((((hugs))))

    • Thanks for sharing your open letter, I could defently relate to it. I will share it with my MRKH community <3

  • Yvonne Spence

    It’s hard to find words to write in response to your post. Clearly you carry a burden of loss that my words are not going to take away. Perhaps knowing that people feel empathy for you can ease that burden a little.

    • It does 🙂 Thank you for showing your compassion that means a lot <3

  • I am so sorry for your loss and the intangibility of it all. It is hard for anybody with an invisible form of grief, especially when people make even passing remarks and assumptions about your fertility or reasons for childlessness without knowing your situation. Although I haven’t experienced infertility myself, I had two aunts who could never have children and particularly walked that journey with one of them. I also have friends who haven’t met the one and due to their Christian values, have never had a sexual partner and friends who identified genetic problems and one whose much loved baby who was conceived after many years of trying, died at birth when the cord wrapped around her neck. They haven’t been able to have more children and all she has is the white bear the hospital gave her and a handful of photos. Not that another baby can simply replace one you’ve lost.
    What I have seen is some people who can’t be close friends with people with kids. I’ve seen people embrace being Aunty. I’ve seen people work and work and work, seemingly to forget. I have also seen people adopt foster children and save those little lives and give them new lives filled with love, joy hope and being part of a family and community.
    I read briefly about MRKH and was surprised how common it is and that I hadn’t heard of it before. It is a frightening condition because we as a society just take our fertility for granted.
    I live with an extremely rare life-threatening muscle wasting disease which also affects my lungs. The odds of getting this are 1:100,000. It was triggered by my second pregnancy and has meant that all my daughter’s life we have have been living with the strong possibility that the kids would grow up without their Mum. I don’t know if I will ever accept this situation either but since my diagnosis, friends have died unexpectedly leaving their kids behind and a close friend has ALS and a 9 year old daughter.
    Doing what you are doing raising awareness and being there to support other women is turning your devastating loss into a meaningful contribution to others. You can’t perhaps change the boat you are in but you can hold each others’ hands and no feel so alone.
    xx Rowena

    • Dear Rowena, thank you so much for your compassion and for sharing your story. I am so sorry for what you have to go through, and I will keep you and your daughters in my prayers <3 Its hard to not be able to have kids naturally, but It must be so much harder being able to and then lose that child. That must be the most heartbreaking experience. And fearing not being there for your kids, i cant imagine how hard that must be… Thank you once again for taking the time to share your story and for showing compassion to me and all other girls struggeling infertility. Sending you a big sister hug and I wish you all the best <3

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