When I was a little girl I used to put my pillow under my sweater, hang a handbag on my arm and dream of becoming a mum. Some years later I was determined that my children would get everything that I had missed in childhood, closeness, security and stability. And I wanted at least 3 children, a husband, a big house with a large garden where the kids could run around freely while I hear the children laughter against the cloudless sky a hot summer day.
But one day my mum dream was shattered. After several investigations, no menstruation and a long-lasting pain finally the answer came. “You are born without a uterus, we have never seen this before” I was 17, soon to be 18, and in an instant my future was changed forever. Never would I get the opportunity to feel a new life kick inside my stomach, never would I experience love at first sight, never experience a little bundle, my bundle, that would love me and call me Mum. Never be able to hold my baby gently and tenderly in my arms, look it in the eyes and feel that rush of maternal joy and endless love.
I was devastated, confused and felt incredibly lonely. I was treated as an exceptional case and more or less as a guinea pig at the hospital . I just wanted to go home, have a rest and digest the bad news ..
Its even harder to grieve when you constantly get “comforting” words like “You can always adopt” “There are so many children out there who needs a home” “You’re atleast lucky not having your periode”. They ment it well, it is natural for people to try comfort and be optimistic. It just wasn’t what I needed at that time.
In my head I was thinking “shut up” you know nothing about my feelings. Why are all the orphans my responsibility all of a sudden? How do you think it feels for me to see children being born into this world then their parents just give a damn about the child? Some people get pregnant and have children as it was the easiest thing to do, and then do not care for the child afterwards. It makes me angry! Really angry. And I’m not f*** lucky not having my periode, I should have given everything to menstruate and have the opportunity to birth my own children, the opportunity to feel like any other woman and be a mum the natural way. Having a mini me.
Nor is it easy to “just” adopt. There are many things that must be in order before you even get approved for adoption, and when approved there are many years of waiting, and it costs in addition quite a lot of money. Adoption is a great thing, and I’m glad that one can adopt, but it is not for everyone. If you have a disease history or a history of depression, etc. in the past so it is enough for not being approved for adoption. One must be married for so many years and the list goes on. It is not “just” to adopt.
I later thought that perhaps I was luckier than many others, finding out that I could not have children at such a young age. I was young and had the opportunity to plan my life ahead based on what I knew. I thought it might be worse to be an adult, trying to have children and then find out you can never be pregnant.
On the other hand, I sometimes think that I would not have known, that I would liked to have experienced the process of trying, waiting, hope and rejoice as any other women. I was deprived of that to.
I often sit and look down at my stomach inflated by too much dinner , rubbing my belly while daydreaming of how it would be like having a little life growing inside of me. I call it “foodbaby” it’s the closest I will ever get having a pregnant belly …
You who are so lucky to be able to have your own child, you who are so lucky and have experienced the joy of being a mum, do you know how lucky you are? Did you know that thousands of girls around the world envy you because you gave birth? Do you know that thousands of girls wish they were you, a mum ..?
You are incredibly lucky.
For me it’s a dream that will never come true.
My mum dream was shattered.
#Compassion for Infertile women #1000speak